Tone it down, please | Auckland News | Local News in Auckland

In the latest of our series looking at the causes of violence in the home, Joanna Davies reports on a view that our words and the way we deliver them could be promoting a culture of aggression.

Bob Bilkey mind is made up.

"People are always attacking with their language, rather than showing respect for the person they're talking to."

For Mr Bilkey, a retired teacher, the way people talk to each other is a precursor to domestic violence.

"People need to be made aware of the mental violence that is part of our culture in New Zealand," he says.

"Well-meaning parents, teachers and supervisors are guilty of this and they are not aware that they are doing it," he says.

The violence, he says, is not necessarily bad language towards others, but the tone people use to speak to each other.

"It's a terrible thing for a student in class when a teacher says they are not doing a good job.

"It can just destroy them, and the teacher often has no idea how they sound," the Orakei resident says.

"But if teachers spoke to students in a more respectful manner, they would keep the students engaged."

Mr Bilkey - a former accounting teacher - used to hold classes for managers and parents on how to talk to staff and children to get better results in the workplace and at home.

"It was about improving their paralanguage - the tone and pitch of their voices and their body language," the 88-year-old says.

"When I ran the classes, I taped 2000 people talking to their employees and children. When they heard how they sounded they were very surprised at the aggression.

"But it is something that people don't realise they are doing."

As well as classes, he has also written a book on the best ways to talk to people, and recently sent a copy to Minister of Social Development Paula Bennett, hoping some of his teaching methods could be used on a wider scale to help people realise how their speaking tone affects others.

Mr Bilkey knows about extreme use of speech. Before he became a teacher, he served in the army as a sergeant major.

"I used to throw my weight around, and then I moved overseas and had to start over at the bottom of the pile.

"I was being ordered around, and I could hear how I had sounded."

He believes New Zealanders need to be more aware of the way they speak to people. If attitudes changed, social problems would change, too.

"You hear these stories in the news about teachers being attacked by their students, but a student who respected their teacher would never do that," he says. "If a teacher said, 'I see you're having a bit of trouble with that, can I help?' instead of 'you're doing it wrong', a student would respect the teacher a lot more, and get results.

"It's the same for parents. If they say to their child, 'would you be able to pick your things up off the floor' in a respectful tone, rather than 'I told you to pick your things up', the child will listen."

Mr Bilkey says small changes in tone make a huge difference to motivate others positively and improve relationships. "People who came to my courses used to come back and tell me how their staff or children's attitudes had instantly changed, and that's because the parents and managers were speaking to them with respect. It's about treating others as you would like to be treated."

Wise words

"A lot of social problems would disappear if teachers, supervisors etc were shown how to use a supportive paralanguage.

"At present so many of our people, starting from when they were children, are being damaged by the continued implication of their unworthiness unintentionally communicated to them by apparently well-meaning people.

"Those that need the most help, the poor performers and those from troubled homes, may never have heard a genuine supportive statement.

"They may hear condescending statements but always their brain hears the paralanguage underlining how worthless they are." - Extract from Bob Bilkey's book Paralanguage - the expert motivators' secret to success.

 What do you think of Mr Bilkey's theory? Email: letters@theaucklander.co.nz