Santa Claus is coming back to town

John Landrigan | Thursday, November 19, 2009 6:27

'Tis the month before Christmas, in the heart of the city
As we ask you, dear reader, to listen to our ditty:
The retailers mooch round the counters ev'rywhere
In hopes Yuletide boom times soon will be here.
When up above Britomart arose such a clatter,
Folks came from suburbs to see what was the matter.
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear?
Queen Street full of bunting and neon reindeer,
And lo! Above Whitcoulls, a sight that gave pause:
What on earth have they done to our Santa Claus?

He's been perched on the verandah above Whitcoulls for as long as many young Aucklanders can remember, and on the long-gone Farmers department store over the hill in Hobson St for a good few decades longer. As long as the youngsters' parents, perhaps grandparents, can recall.

He arrives every November, just before the parade that carries his name, and that of his
former home: the jolly red giant with wink and wagging finger. But when Santa Claus is unveiled at the Queen-Victoria St corner on Sunday, be prepared for a new-look Christmas spirit.

After nearly 50 Decembers on the job, Santa should have been quite happy to sign up for his Gold Card (he wouldn't have needed it in the old days: Aucklanders of a certain vintage happily recall the lime-green Farmers Free Bus circling the inner city), collect his pension and head back to the North Pole. One of the senior elves could have taken over the toy shop.

But the people of Auckland have voted for his return and his owners — the Heart of the City business association — have sent him for a makeover. It's all very hush-hush. He's been in a warehouse somewhere in South Auckland, having goodness-knows-what done to him.

How does Santa get his mojo back? We asked Santa's little helpers.

The Diet Before Christmas
Angela Berrill
Nutritionist, ABC Nutrition

Christmas pudding with whipped cream and brandy sauce. Those eensy-weensy little mince pies. Let's not even mention the ham. With pineapple glaze. Angela specialises in weight management and she has good reason to be worried about Santa.

"Years of sugary food and saturated fats have given him type 2 diabetes. He's also prone to heart disease."

Time for serious change, then. But forget the lemon detox diet — rapid weight loss is not
recommended.

"You are putting yourself in a state of malnutrition and tend to put the weight straight
back on," counsels Angela. "Essentially, when a person wants to lose weight, they need to consume less energy than they expend during the day."

That means no more cookies. Foods high in saturated fats — yes, the ham — are out,
replaced with palm-sized portions of "good fats" like oily fish, walnuts and avocados.

Meat will be grilled or baked. Vegetables — five-plus a day — steamed. He can cut back on salt and switch to trim milk.

Then there's his ahem, fondness for the odd, er ...

"Alcohol is full of empty calories and provides lots of energy without any nutrition. It's almost like drinking a glass of liquid fat."

Angela is laying down the law now. He'll be a less jolly old gent, restricted to three
alcoholic drinks a day — at most.

Kids, you can help. This Christmas Eve, Angela wants you to leave Santa small helpings of fruit or rice snacks. No milk and cookies!

Jangle all the way
Steve Kumarich
Fitness trainer, Summer Fit Beach Training

Get out of the sleigh and walk. Well, that'll do for a start, but he really needs weekly one-on-one training.

Steve prescribes walking, running and cycling to up his heart rate and burn calories.

"His body fat is at about 25 per cent, which is quite high for a man. Ideally, we want him at around 15 per cent. We also need to reduce his blood pressure and glucose levels."

It's not all bad. Years of climbing up and down chimneys, hauling gifts and whipping his
reindeer into shape have given Santa good upper-body strength. But he needs to work on his muscle tone with push-ups, dips, lunges, squats and abdominal crunches.

The weekly sessions with Steve won't be enough: Santa needs 30 minutes of moderate
activity most days. But it doesn't have to be hard yakka.

"Auckland is perfect for a healthy lifestyle. He could kayak and take his reindeer for a walk up Rangitoto, play lawn bowls or cycle around the bays."

Stick to this routine and Santa should be in shape by Christmas.

We stitch you a merry Christmas
Dr Sarah Hart
Appearance medicine physician, the Palm Clinic

Hey, he's not so bad for his age. C'mon, who saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus last year?

Sarah ticks off the good points: "His bushy white beard has protected much of his face from the elements. He has good volume left in his cheeks."

But sun and wind have had an effect. "Moving from the North Pole to our warmer climate has caused open, dilated veins on his cheeks and nose. All the brandy he drinks has further aggravated this condition," Sarah diagnoses.

She offers intense pulsed light treatment to remove the red veins and sun spots, and skin-smoothing to get rid of the rough, orange-peel texture.

It wouldn't be a makeover without a bit of botox: a few jabs around the brow.

"He's meant to be a friendly, approachable chap and frowning can make people look
unapproachable," Sarah counsels.

If Angela's diet and Steve's regime don't produce a desirable result, there's always the knife. Sarah recommends "abdominal definition", otherwise known as "six-pack surgery".

"We don't want a gaunt Santa but he could trim down. That way he would have a slightly more masculine profile."

Hair comb Santa Claus
Gael Thompson
Director, Cut Above Academy

"The hair!" exclaims Gael. "Only poor old chaps who slink along King's Cross would wear that smother."

Santa will sport an all-over Number One clipper cut — much cooler in both meanings of the word.

As for the beard, Gael trims it back to an edgy goatee, with clear space around his mouth to avoid biscuit crumbs sticking in his moustache.

And the complexion? Someone needs to tell Santa — and Gael is just the girl — that makeup has moved on from 1960s' Max Factor pan-stick. She plumps for micronised, high-definition foundation from MAC or Kryolan.

Just one thing left for Ol' Blue Eyes. That twinkle needs a bit of help. How about some soft shading to bring out its best?

A Christmas Apparel
Susan Axford
Image consultant/personal shopper, Your Style

That red suit is so well, Sixties. Or maybe Fifties. And we're not talking the 1950s, either.
Susan goes for a stylish new Pasifika look.

"He is coming from the North Pole, so he may appreciate something a little cooler for an
Auckland summer. Because he's such a distinctive character, I think he needs to stay with his traditional colours."

The new wardrobe: red linen trousers with crisp white shirt patterned with red pohutukawa blossom and green foliage.

"In case we had a cool day, he would have a dark green jacket with inside pockets that he could use for handfuls of sweets for the children."

Write Christmas
Fleur Revell
Consultant, Impact PR

Can't get away from the fact that there have been rumours. Whispers. Any other celeb and the wink, the finger — not to mention that affection for the more-than-occasional brandy — would have found its way into the Guess Who, Don't Sue columns in the Sunday papers.

Admits Fleur, "His brand has been damaged by poor-quality, impostor Santas flooding the market. This, coupled with a well-publicised smear campaign launched by his main
industry competitors — the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy — has further impacted on Santa's wholesome reputation."

Nothing that an airbrush can't fix, she insists. How else but a cover story in a women's
magazine?

Santa: My Family, My World will feature Mr and Mrs Claus at home with their reindeer and children.

Santa will talk candidly about the ongoing droop in his eye following an unfortunate encounter with one of Rudolph's antlers and the resulting muscle spasms, often mistaken for a wink.

He will also reveal the lifelong battle with arthritis in his right hand, brought about from years of wrapping presents.

And his heart-tugging confessions will be accompanied by family snapshots of Dad and
children at backyard cricket knock-ups or toasting marshmallows round an open fire.

"The article will position Santa as a loving husband and father, and discuss the couple's secret to finding everlasting love, as well as how to juggle the stresses of work and raising a family," Fleur suggests.

Looking good, feeling better, the new Santa will be unveiled on Sunday, November 22. You know where to find him.

Farmers Santa Parade: Auckland CBD, Sunday, November 29. Rain date: Sunday, December 6. Details www.santaparade.co.nz

He'll be home for Christmas ... again

Santa Claus was built for Christmas 1960. His original home was the old Farmers department store now the Heritage Hotel - in Hobson St
He weighs around 2000kg and stands 15m tall
His finger beckons 27 times a minute, or 25,920 times a day
His eye winks seven times a minute, or 6720 times a day
After a stint at Westfield Manukau in 1997 Santa moved to the Whitcoulls building in
1998
Ninety per cent of respondents in a NZ Herald poll voted for Santa's return to Queen St in 2009