FAMILY MATTERS by Jude Dobson | Auckland Home | Renting and Buying in Auckland

Recently, I read about a survey that shows the key to happiness for women is their family. The next four things on their "what makes me happy" list were having enough money, being healthy, having friends, then their partners/boyfriends/girlfriends.

The survey interviewed 2000 Kiwis aged over 15, so while not a particularly wide and rigorous study, it was one of those stories you stop and cast your eye over, especially when it compared the data for men.

While the order of the top five was exactly the same, the lads were a little less enthusiastic in their responses. Eighty-two per cent of women listed family as the glue to their smiles, while only 71 per cent of men did. Both genders were on the same page about having enough money - money being universal, I guess. Friends were marginally more important to women than to men, while 45 per cent of blokes thought having a partner would definitely contribute to their happiness, but only 39 per cent of the girls agreed.

It's pretty predictable stuff. Family, in whatever form it takes, is your very essence; your parents, your siblings, your children. They are without doubt a key part of what shapes you - for better or worse. If your relationships with the people you are involved with every day are out of kilter, life is less happy.

I recall a discussion about this subject with a group of mums years ago. We agreed women, in particular, like family relationships to be in good working order, or it affects other parts of their lives. As someone said, it was very hard to concentrate on your work properly if your child cried bitterly when you dropped them at daycare or your partner stormed off to work grumpy. Men seem able to compartmentalise things more and move on. Women will talk things to death to get to the bottom of the problem and try to solve it. Men tend to hope a bit of time and space will see it come right. At least we all had friends to talk about it with.

A British study I read showed that once you have children your social circle reduces. Again, not rocket science, really, as it's pretty obvious that mashing spuds at 5pm for dinner makes it a little hard to socialise, swilling chardonnay at a cafe. The formula researchers came up with was losing one friend for every two children, instead spending more time with family and professional helpers. People with no children had an average of 4.7 friends, with mates steadily declining as the offspring count increased. By the time you've had three children, according to this particular study, we can muster on average 3.5 friends.

Family and good friends are indeed the key to a happy life. As the well-worn expression goes, on our death-beds none of us will declare, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office".

This weekend is the 18th anniversary of my grandmother's death. She died knowing she had good, loving connections with her family.

She was a lovely grandma. I remember staying with her and treats like watching telly in the lounge from my bed on the couch, walking to the dairy to buy lollies, and making a present for Mum (usually a nice soap from grandma's collection that she let me wrap in pretty paper). We'd pick flowers from her garden to arrange in the vase in the hall then eat fish fingers for dinner, listening to her records. I can still sing, "I'm gonna wash that man right outta of my hair, and send him on his way... " from the musical South Pacific.

Family, eh, it makes you happy.