Control Freaks | Auckland News | Local News in Auckland

This is not just another story about our shocking domestic abuse record. This is about a new Auckland study shows our young men are setting out in life with as bad - or even worse - attitudes towards women than previous generations. Rowena Orejana reports.

David hunches in front of his lunch. In T-shirt and jeans, this lanky university student with a little fuzz on his chin is clearly uncomfortable discussing his views on romantic relationships.

His curly hair touches his collar, his gaze is both solemn and embarrassed. "I think a relationship should be equal. You can't have a relationship without having a say for both you," he says.

Nick is 24, less shy than David. Dressed similarly, he is of stockier build. He knows how to wash clothes, cook and do the dishes. The one thing his mum has always told him is never to hit women.

"I really don't like guys who hit girls," he says.

He thinks, though, that women can push men a bit too far because they know they won't hit back. He says he would sometimes threaten but he would never be violent.

This is not just another story about New Zealand's shocking domestic abuse record. There is new evidence of young men setting out in life with just as bad - or even worse - attitudes than previous generations.

Dr Alison Towns, a senior honorary research associate at the University of Auckland who specialises in violence in the family context, wanted to find out how young men think these days so she embarked on a study.

Her main interest is in preventing domestic violence. "We need to understand more about young men's masculinity if we are going to work on prevention," she says.

Dr Towns' thesis is: if violence arises from controlling behaviours to extreme physical violence, then prevention should occur before the controlling behaviour starts.

"We thought 18-25, we can capture that age group. We can get young people as they are able to reflect on the relationships they are going into," she says.

The study, Cultures of Cool and Being a Man: Getting in early to prevent domestic violence, looks at how young men perceive intimate relationships.

"A lot of work has been done on men who are already perpetrators. But there's very little work on young men who are not. There is nothing specifically focused on controlling behaviours and the social and cultural supports for that," she says.

Equality, Control and Possession

The study was revealing. "It felt very 1950s. I thought we would have moved on," says Dr Towns. Phrases like "my property", "my girl" and even "my burger" were liberally sprinkled in one of the focus-group discussions.

The young men appear to know that it is not right for any of them to tell a girl he owns her. "That's like social suicide," says Dante, 18.

But they are able to point to a time when the feelings of ownership begin. "Once she says she loves you," says Lelei, 18.

At this stage, losing a girl to someone else deals a blow to their self-esteem so they hold on tight. This fear seems to justify controlling acts, such as dictating the kind of clothes she wears or who she can see.

People who work on cases of domestic abuse find this disturbing as there are many parallels between their behaviour and those of abusers.

"Young men may have no previous intent in becoming violent but it develops," says Hazel Scott, agency manager of Inner City Women's Group. "It seems there are still certain circumstances where it's deemed okay to hit women. The messages are still there."

Culture of Cool

The study also delved into the cultures that supported these notions. "We were looking for things that ran across the groups. Being cool and the idea of being "The Man" ran across the groups," she says.

"The Man" often is the one who has the hot girl that goes with the hot car. "But this whole idea of having status over other young men very much depends on the group they are in," says Dr Towns. "We would really say the binge-drinking group is quite a worrying group. They think, you know, the binge drinking act is about doing stupid things like skids and funnels, pouring beer down each other's throats, skidding in their cars doing doughnuts," she says.

The guys in this group are mostly New Zealand European. Status is achieved by pulling off the worst stunt and living to tell all about it. Relationships with their girlfriends are constantly tested by their loyalty to their mates. The young men are called "p-sy-whipped" or "girls" if the mates were dumped for the girlfriend.

"And they weren't just peers. They were also uncles and fathers that they have heard being called names when they are not being dominant enough," she says.

Then there are the "gangster" groups, in which women are considered disposable objects. What is important is the peer: "bros before hos."

"Girls in that group have no status at all. They had to do what they were told. Being feared equalled being respected," says Dr Towns.

American music videos that show rappers surrounded by harems of women largely influenced this group. The young men in these groups are able to explain control in relationships, but have a hard time describing equality.

The young men belonging to church groups, on the other hand, were clearer on equality.

"They were able to describe equality in relationships. They talked about making democratic decisions. Obviously, they have been quite influenced by their church pastor who pushed equal relationships strongly," she says.

All the groups point to the treatment of women as objects in the media, particularly in advertising, as having the worst influence.

"We've got that sort of push of consumer things, driving cultures, music cultures and advertising," she says.

Impact on Young Women

Dr Towns says young women are often blindsided. "It's a shock for them to be treated that way," she says.

Chloe King, now 22, was 17 when she had her first relationship. Her mother worked for a domestic violence hotline. Despite knowing the signals, Chloe didn't realise how abusive her relationship was until she got out of it.

On one occasion, her boyfriend slapped her in front of her friends. She was stunned and humiliated. Her friends were shocked but said nothing. "It's something we don't talk about, either. We don't get told in high school that when a guy texts you 20 times a day, that's abuse, not love. We get taught completely different from TV," she says.

Shattered

Other young men in the study also spoke about education's emphasis on sex rather than on intimate relationships and how they feel "shattered" when a relationship ends.

"Some of the young men say they get the sexual relationship part in school but not the personal part or how to make it work, which is more important to them," says Dr Towns.

One of the study's recommendations is that the Ministries of Education and Social Development look into educating this age group towards a more equal relationship between genders. "We are pushing the ministries to look much more at this age group as a group that can make much headway on prevention."

More should be done, says Dr Towns, to counter the American gangster video culture that promotes "hos, bitches and pimps" music videos, as well as the associated alcohol industry practices that encourage young people to do "stupid things".

Ms Scott, who has worked with countless abused women, says prevention is the buzzword these days. While a lot of intervention work has been done, she hopes this study will set the ball rolling for work on prevention.

"It starts with listening to what the young people are saying."

What they think

"You can't have a relationship without having a say for both of you." - David, 21, student

"Decisions should go both ways. If they can work together, they'll have a stronger bond." - Alexander, 20, unemployed

"My missus never wears like miniskirts or anything. She wears skirts, but not the real short ones. But if she did, I would tell her to take it off." - Mike, 25 driver, labourer

"I think our culture feeds an attitude that it's about you, everything is about you. So if you are in a relationship where things are hard, or you're not enjoying it, hey, get out. Do what makes you happy. Please yourself." - Frank, 20 teacher-aide

"Keep her on a leash to a certain point or find yourself it's the other way round." - Xavier, 17, student

Domestic Violence Statistics

Domestic violence is a serious problem in New Zealand. There are more than 32,000 family violence-related offences recorded by police each year and the number has increased steadily for several years.

While gender equality has pushed ahead tremendously for almost half a century, there is still discrimination  in personal relationships.

• Men under 30 make up just under half (45 per cent) of all police apprehensions for family violence
• Serious assaults make up over half (55per cent) of all family violence related offences
• Of the women admitted to hospital after assaults, most were assaulted by a member of their family.
• Of the men admitted after assaults, most were injured by someone they didn't know. Three times more men than women are admitted because of assaults.

- Source: Family Violence Statistics Report, Families Commission